the game of me

i admit it

i really am a fun game

a game which continues

because i keep getting back up

and each time i get back up

i am stronger

so this game becomes

more challenging

more entertaining

more addicting

and i won’t quit

i’ll keep moving like your pawn

remaining true to who i have become

for i don’t mind playing now

because every time i do get back up

i do find i am stronger

so i’ll keep on playing

and if there ever comes a time

when i am no longer able

to get back up on my own

i know God will lift me up

and take me Home

give and take

maybe it is not the smartest thing in the world to

give, give, give

when i do not

take, take, take…

i should at least

take, take, take

care of myself first

and that should always be a

give, give, given

 

Lint Lined

Each month I send what I can.

And honestly it is not what I am supposed to do. But it has been more than I can afford.

After eating too long out of rusting saucepans. After watching too many roaches scurrying across counter and floor. This month I sent what I could, with hopes of saving up for what I need.

Almost immediately come the reaching hands. Hands which quickly approach. Hands which start slipping around my front, and then down into my pockets, searching.

I wish these pockets of mine were lined with coin, or dollar, or better yet gold.

But only lint there remains.

And the hands come back out empty, retreating in disgust, leaving angered words.

This leaves me feeling guilty, worthless, ashamed, alone.

But perhaps leaving me feeling a little glad too.

For I finally got some acknowledgement that what I have been sending has been being received.

cry and pray

these waters are choppy

turbulent

as the tide rises

from the added water

flowing from mine eyes

as sadness overwhelms

while witnessing

the selfish

the inconsiderate

and no matter

how kind

how nice

how much i pray

evil and hatred

continue to

constantly

harden their heart

making them

act so mean

but i refuse

to let me

or my heart

ever get

that way

again

so

i

just

cry

and

pray

pain talking

I slowly scooted my way off of the hotel bed.  I was trying to make my way to the restroom all by myself.  For weeks I had been assisted, actually carried to and from the toilet.  I could barely sit, could not stand up, could hardly move. 

And in those moments I was alone.

He had taken the dogs out for a walk and had already been gone for quite a while, and I did not feel I could wait much longer. 

So I tried to get there by myself. 

I made it off of the bed and then collapsed onto the floor.  Any movement I then made brought excruciating pain.  I laid there for several minutes.  I found I was able to slide myself along the rug.  But I knew I would be unable to lift myself up onto the toilet, and I could not lift myself back onto the bed.  So I slithered my way to the door leading out to the balcony.  Once I reached the door I was able to reach the handle and pull it down toward me, the door opened.  Since he said he would be walking the dogs I called for him.  For several minutes I called out for him but he did not come.  So I laid there on the ground for who knows how long until he did return.

That memory remains vivid in my mind, as well as the accompanying pains I felt.

I am not afraid of much, but at times like now I do become fearful.  When I am unable to put much pressure on one of my legs and the pains in my back and down my legs keep escalating.

At times like these I remember times like that.

And a voice inside of my head I cannot ignore tells me I made a huge mistake.  That I should not have pushed someone out of my life who was there to help me.  That I should have put up with being treated not so nice just to have hands to help me.  This is how afraid I become during times like these.

Faith of a mustard seed, faith of a mustard seed.

I bow my head to pray.

I will be alright.

Flight to Always

Sometimes I am a butterfly, and sometimes I am a moth.  But a moth can be very beautiful too.  It just depends upon the eye of the beholder.

As a moth I have flown too close to the flame and I have been burned too many times to count.  I think we have that in common.  And may be the reason we keep flying around each other, keeping some distance, fearing another singe.

But during my flight, during my avoidance of the flame, I have continued to heal.

And there have been many things I have learned while in this healing phase of my life.

I have learned I should never begin a relationship until I am strong enough to be me.  Not until I have a firm sense of self and can maintain me, be strong in me and as me.  Otherwise I let myself get manipulated and I allow myself to be changed into someone I am not.  And then eventually the un-me becomes unhappy, which eventually leads to breakdown and failure of not only me but of the relationship as well. 

Another thing I have learned is that I should not enter a relationship until my heart is strong enough to survive heartache and heartbreak.  Because let’s be serious and real and admit there will be hurt, small hurt, big hurt, and breaks too.  But that’s alright and perfectly o.k., as long as the heart is strong enough to take it and not only survive but also thrive.

With these realizations I can now admit that most of my life I have looked for someone else to make me happy.  And I think by doing so I have actually drained other people’s happiness until each joined me in the realms of depression.  I watched this happen a couple of times.  But I have now learned my happiness does begin and end within me.

So I kick all naysayers to the curb.  The ones trying to tell me I am not living life to its fullest because I am not doing this or that.

By kicking and by listening to my own newly made happier inner voice, I have transformed my way of thinking and being and have learned to love the life I live. 

As a result of all of this I do believe that right now I am as close to whom I have always wished to be, on so many levels. 

I am not all there yet. 

But then again I am not sure I ever will be, and honestly not sure I ever want to be.  Because by my feeling I still have a few steps to walk until I reach my optimal me then I will continue walking forward. 

And isn’t it better for me to keep on walking forward?

This way I will continue to better myself each and every day.

Not sometimes, but always.